I used to think that sex is a big deal. So I waited and waited. And I waited some more. As a result, boys had to wait with me. Some boys admired my stance, so they stuck by me through.. ehem, thick and thin.

Other boys dismissed me a tease. Apparently, a party girl in glam dresses does not a virgin make. On countless times, I was dutifully dumped for saying ‘No’. Nothing like sex (or lack of it), to shed light on a boy’s intentions!

Gradually, I learnt to accept it all. They are boys after all. They are supposed to be from a different planet  It is the girls’ reactions that I don’t get.

“What is wrong with you Elle?” a close friend recoiled in horror when I confessed about my self-imposed celibacy.

For awhile, she had me wondering. Is there really something wrong with me? Am I religious? No. Am I old fashioned? Not really. I am independent, modern and believe in gender equality. So why don’t I want to indulge in sex? What’s wrong with me then?

It is a most difficult thing to go against society’s grains. It makes you question your belief system. I began to wonder if relationships would go smoother when sex is in the equation. Perhaps it would make it more meaningful and deep? All pun intended.

Last March, I decided to finally get myself err… enlightened. After my first experience, I thought I had to catch up. I did what modern girls were expected to do. I tried to have sex like a man. No strings attached. I am after all an independent woman, right? I figured sex without emotions would make me liberated and in control.

“Don’t you think you are being a bit extreme?” Tristan asked.

“From being chaste to having a one night stand with me?”

I laughed him off and acted all liberated. Four months later, I found myself with him again. This time round, I wanted to say no. Yet, I found I could not- simply because I had said yes to him before. I have never felt so violated. And it all started with a 'Yes'.

Gabe, don't you think it’s funny how years of feminist movement has brought about sexual liberation for women. Yet now, we are trapped into saying 'Yes'. We are looked upon negatively when we choose to say ‘No’. How is it liberation when we do not really have a choice to make?

That night with Tristan hit home one simple truth. I just cannot have sex like a man. I mean, I am a woman afterall. I need emotions and all that heart and soul thing.. No strings attachment gives a girl a temporary high (if any) but leaves her feeling empty. Why should one settle for so little?

The past year has been a spinning cycle for me. I may be new at it, but I had to wise up fast. I know now that sex does not necessarily make a relationship more meaningful. It is spending quality time with someone that does it. I mean, how often have we fallen deeply for someone whom we have not been intimate with? Every single time, for me. I am often touched not by touch itself.. 

Sex is indeed a funny thing. It creates this superficial intimacy that does not exist. I know many a girl who is able to be intimate with a guy yet panic at having to share her most intimate thoughts and feelings with him. She's often left wounded and strung cause she expects more and gets less. She could not tell him how she really feels about him. So how is that intimacy then?

Right now, sex is a big deal for me. I personally, no longer care what society dictates. Call me old fashioned, but I have to be able to share my most intimate thoughts and feelings with a guy before even thinking of being intimate with him. I mean, if I can’t tell him anything, how is that being in control and liberated?

Afterall, relationship is not all about sex, is it? It's mostly about communication. I reckon, being touched by a good heart to heart connection is a million times better than being touched through meaningless fumblings..